How to control your anger and use it productively
How many of us have done something or said something to someone in anger, only to regret it later?
Anger is one of the most uncomfortable and difficult emotion which has been highly stigmatized but we can use this emotion to make our lives and relationships more productive if we learn how to manage this difficult emotion.
Coming to think of it, anger plays a very important role. Some situations demand anger. If someone is crossing the line or taking undue advantage of you, anger serves that role of protecting you. Anger tries to tell you something about your inner needs. Anger urges you to come out of denial and respect your boundaries. What is wrong about anger which makes it a poison is the way we express our anger.
So just imagine that life is like a car and anger is like a kid. You don't want to put the kid on the driver's seat because there are high chances of meeting an accident. You don't want to put it in the boot space. the child will stifle and die. Is there any fun without a naughty little kid in the journey? You want to put the kid in the rear seat with the seat belts on, completely in control. That is where our anger should be!
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.Anger can be fatal. Lives have been lost in fits of anger. Anger can also be visualized like a strange seduction, something which makes the person who is expressing it more powerful. But is a deadly seduction. For the victim, it means loss of a relationship and for the perpetrator it comes along with various medical problems like raised Blood pressure and heart diseases.Anger steals healthy relationships, dignity and even professions from people.
So to get a hold of anger, first and foremost we need to focus on various anger styles. each one of us is unique and we all express and feel anger differently. You could be suffering from anger ourself or you know someone who suffers from this dreaded disease. So let me take you through 6 main kinds of anger styles which have their own internal chatter, their own specific consequential damages and different cures too.
So first is the EXPLOSIVE type. It takes a lot to push you over the brink. But when you do finally get there,the earth shakes. When we have not learnt how to deal with regular irritations of life, we keep suppressing the small misgivings of others, we keep stuffing them inside, until one fine day it all explodes and comes out in the most vicious way. Neurologically, the anger response can last maximum for 2 seconds. After that, it takes a commitment to stay angry. So all the piled up emotions and feelings now come into play and we completely want to thrash the opposite person. So for the explosive anger style, the technique which works best is Breathing Technique. Anger flies faster than thoughts, so any kind of thought based counselling is not going to work in the acute state of anger. We have to catch anger fast in order to stop the spread of fire. The 7-11 technique works precisely on that. Inhale to the count of 7 and exhale to the count of 11. Once you have done this now, you have given yourself time to think, now you can employ thoughts to rationalize your anger. The second technique is for past episodes of fuming anger, it is called emotional blueprint exchange. Sit down with your eyes closed and recall any situation where you were angry beyond control. Open your eyes and tell ourself how you feel. Close your eyes again and now again revisit the scene from a third-person point of view. Open your eyes and tell yourself, all details of things said and done from a non-biased point of view. Again close your eyes and go back to the third person point of view and imagine the whole situation if anger was absent from the scene if it was not the key player. Now open your eyes and tell yourself how the situation would have worked out if anger was missing from the scene. Last but not the least, Explosive anger styles benefit a lot from the regular expression of how you actually feel to people around you. Ask yourself how extreme anger has spoilt things for you. What kind of a person you are when you are not angry.
Second most common anger style is the stuffer type. So when someone lashes out at them or talks bad to them especially a close person they say to themselves that I am a bad person. I deserve this humiliation. I am a bad husband, bad wife, bad son. These people take the whole blame on themselves believing that it is safer and easier to be mad at themselves, which of course is not the case. These people suffer from most of the chronic diseases and especially painful diseases like Arthritis etc. The technique which is recommended for stuffers is Become an observer of your life. Imagine yourself out of the equation and then give responsibility to the whole situation. That is a great place to start with and then talk to someone to unload things off your chest. Try to tell the person whom you are having a misunderstanding where his/her fault lies.
Third Anger style is Avoidance. I am fine, you are fine and everything is fine. These people avoid confrontation at any cost. Their way of dealing with a tough situation is to put it under the rug and pretend that everything is fine. The technique for such people is Strike a conversation. Challenge your core belief that confrontation is bad. If striking a conversation seems difficult then take help of a mediator. the goal should be to switch from being controlled by anger to controlling anger itself.
Fourth most commonly employed anger style is Sarcasm. These people will not get directly to the point that is making them angry but will comment on you so that you get that something is wrong. This is the most damaging anger style as far as relationships are concerned. The opposite person feels that why doesn't this person come straight out with whatever is bothering him or her? The technique which helps such people is to practise conversation skills, to express their emotions in a healthy way, direct but respectful. Articulate and package your emotions well. Start with positive, come to the negative and again end with positive. If you believe in the people around you, you have to invest time to find out positive things about them too.
Fifth anger style is mostly seen in domestic situations, and it is called passive-aggressive. Society somehow has made us believe that direct confrontation is bad and the correct way to tell someone that you are displeased with them is by the indirect method. So these people use something else to express their innermost issue. It confuses the person at the receiving end immensely. The technique I suggest to such people is to speak in clarity. Learn to express your inner issues with respect and dignity.
The last anger style is people who are habitually irritated. They are displeased with everything and everyone. These are the people who get angry at everyone. Their anger denotes lack of security and lack of stablilty in their lives These are the people who are internally dissatisfied with some aspect of their life and the anger is trying to signal them to make positive changes in their life. Anger is telling you to disconnect with the insignificant and it is driving you to take some positive significant action in life.
To conclude, anybody can become angry. That is easy but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, in the right way and most importantly with the right purpose and intent- that is not within everybody's power and not easy. We have to introspect and learn to master that.
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